I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
