I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
