I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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