u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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