I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
