You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
