Cold hands, warm shart.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
