I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
