Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
