The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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