I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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