i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
