Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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