The maid of honor just puked.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
