i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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