i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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