i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
