onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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