Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
