Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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