its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
