i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
