Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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