As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
