And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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