She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
