apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
