We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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