Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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