As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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