For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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