someone get that fucking seahorse.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
