Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
two words: eviction party
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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