you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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