i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm at about main and main street
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My bed smells like the plague
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
