i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
