did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
