I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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