I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
