After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
