you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
