I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
