Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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