Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
