Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
