His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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