all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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