I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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