Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
