at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
