what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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