I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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